Friday, March 30, 2007

Hey God, Don't Hurt Yourself

As some may or may not know, I have started reading the bible. (So that I can hold my own in a debate if bible trivia comes up.) I cruised through Genesis and Exodus pretty quickly, and have waded through the mire that is Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. Things got better with Joshua, and I'm reading Judges right now.

And I just had to share what has to be the most ridiculous miracle of all time (at least, I hope so). It takes place in the story of Gideon. Here is Judges 6:36-40, Modern King James Version

36 And Gideon said to God, If You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said, 37 behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the grain-floor. And if the dew is on the fleece only, and dry upon all the ground, then I shall know that You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said. 38 And it was so. For he rose up early in the morning and gathered the fleece together, and wrung the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water.
39 And Gideon said to God, Let not Your anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once. I pray You, let me test but this once with the fleece. Let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. 40 And God did so that night. For it was dry upon the fleece only, and there was dew on all the ground.

Don't hurt yourself, God. I know you have to take breaks every now and then, but is this really the same god who blew life into Adam by doing CPR through his nose? First off, you're taking orders here. This isn't the Burning Bush God that said to Moses, "Surprise! Your staff is a snake now! Surprise! Your arm is leprous now!" You're all out of the "lets rain fire and hail from the sky at the same time!" miracles. No, by this point in the bible you're all out of creative ideas, and just sitting back and opening the 1-900-PROPHET request line. (three goat sacrifices for the first minute, a turtle dove for every additional minute)

Some of these prophets are a little more creative than others, like when Joshua asked you to stop the sun and moon in the sky. But please, if you get a dumb one, take it upon yourself to add that little zing that says, "I am that I am! And I am totally awesome!"

I would have thought that the same god that created the naked molerat, quantum mechanics, the Grand Tetons, and the IRS could come up with something a little more unusual, mysterious, beautiful, or evil than a piece of wet wool.


Naomi said...

Please do not forget to add "cruise control" to your list of god's inventions. I cherish and worship all drivers who use it consistently! Blessed be its designer!


The Rev. Jenner J. Hull said...

Personally, I will accept nothing less than Zooey Deschanel, dressed for an evening out on the town, standing right here, right now as a sign of God's existence.

No? Nothing?

Well, it was worth a try.

Anonymous said...

In fundamentalist circles, they still talk about "putting a fleece before the Lord", as a way of asking for a sign from God.

I knew one person who made a life changing decision based on the fact that when she got home from church there was a light blinking on her answering machine - the "fleece" she had asked God to perform.

David W. said...

naomi: cruise control almost killed my sister in law! It's great for most drivers -- but she's epileptic. Her seizures had been under control for years, so we were all comfortable driving. None of us ever thought about her using cruise control until she had a seizure on her way to work. That cruise control kept her going at 65 all the way through a couple of signs, a small tree, sideswiping another car, drifting across three lanes of traffic, down the embankment, and nearly into another, intersecting interstate!

David W. said...

rev. hull: Ditto with me, but for her sister Emily. Never seems to happen, though.

Moth said...

LOL, yeah god, don't go out or your way or anything... wouldn't want to put you out.

I think Moses would have been annoyed having to climb a whole damn mountain (more than once) to talk with the guy(god) - especially after only having to previously converse through a local fiery bush. Now he has to climb? What, God couldn't come down the mountain? Does he really have to promote the idea that he's physically above us? Such an ego.

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